naughtyLOTRstories
Brought to you by [
Tanzi Took]
Written by Tanya Wonnacott [
Tanzi Took] and Elizabeth Ryder [
Gracie]
Scene 20
Continued from
Scenes 17 18 and 19
Scene 20
Narrator: Crossing the mountain proved to be a bit of a bitch so the fellowship decided to take the route through the mines of Moria.Gandalf struggles upon the rocks.
Gandalf: Frodo! Come and help and old man!
Narrator: Gandalf puts his arm around Frodos shoulder.
Gandalf: How's that shoulder of yours?
Frodo: much better now thank you.
Gandalf: What if I do this?
Narrator: Gandalf prods at Frodos wound with his finger.
Frodo: AAAArrgghhh!!!
Narrator: Gandalf starts to laugh as he carries on prodding. Boromir notices what Gandalf is doing.
Boromir: Hey knock it off Gandalf!
Aragorn: Ok!
Narrator: Aragorn smacks Gandalfs head against a rock.
Gandalf: Aragh! What the fuck was that?!
Gimli: The walls of Moria!
Legolas: No shit Gimli.
Narrator: Before the fellowship, lit up by a large green exit sign stood a fire escape door AKA the gates of Moria.
Frodo: Mmmm what does this huge white sign say? Say Gandalf, come and read this!
Gandalf: Mmm, key under mat?
Frodo: Horay! Let's go!
Gandalf: No Frodo! It's too simple! Let's see, mmmkey under mat? You know I'm sure this was on ‘the Weakest Link' the other night. It means speak friend and enter!
Frodo: Riggghht…….Gan
dalf just unlock the damn door! Aragorn will you tell him?!
Aragorn: For fuck sake Gandalf.
Prostitute: You're so nasty Aragorn.
Aragorn: Who the hell asked you?!
Prostitute: Well I was just saying……
Aragorn: Merry! I think your fucking prozie's getting too big for her boots!
Pippin: Yeah let's chuck her in that lake!
Merry: No!
Pippin: Oh come on Merry you can go without sex for a while.
Merry: No I can't!
Narrator: Merry notices Sam checking him out.
Merry: Well I suppose if push comes to shove I could just shag Sam…..
Narrator: Sams face lights up.
Merry: Yeah don't count on it Sam, oh alright then chuck her; she was slowing us down anyway.
Narrator: Aragorn picks her up and chucks her into the lake.
Aragorn: HORAY!
Narrator: Gandalf spins around surprised.
Gandalf: Do not disturb the water!
Frodo: You know your paranoia's really starting to piss me off!
Narrator: A giant squid-like monster bursts through the surface of the water.
Gandalf: See look!
Legolas: Whoa! What the fuck is that!?
Gimli: A giant squid monster!
Legolas: No shit Gimli!
Aragorn: Open the fucking door Gandalf!
Gandalf: I'm trying to work out this riddle Aragorn, quit pestering me!
Aragorn: Dude just unlock the door!
Gandalf: NO! You retards!
Narrator: Aragorn kicks Gandalf in the nuts.
Gandalf: Arrgh fuck!
Narrator: Gandalf keels over holding onto his nuts, Aragorn grabs the key and unlocks the door.
Aragorn: RUN!!!!
Narrator: Everyone was a bit shaken up but escaped unharmed…..except Merrys prostitute, who is probably drowning as we speak…..or being eaten alive….moving on….
Gandalf: This is all your fault Aragorn! Now we have no choice but to face the long dark of Moria!
Aragorn: Shut up Gandalf, hey can we get some kind of light in here?
Gandalf: Yeah sure.
Narrator: Gandalf takes out a spliff and takes a huge toake.
Gandalf: Everybody stay close, there are older and fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the world.
Narrator: And so their journey began through the mines of Moria.
Legolas: Hey Aragorn!
Aragorn: Yo Leggy
Legolas: Do you think we should be letting this physco be leading us through the mines of Mora?
Aragorn: Well in a few hours we'll all be too stoned to care anyway.
Legolas: Cool.
Narrator: After several hours of struggling deeper into the mines, the weed really kicked in and Gandalf realises he has no idea where he is.
Gandalf: (laughing) I have no memory of this place.
Frodo: For fuck sake Gandalf.
Narrator: Gandalf collapsed behind a rock
Pippin: Well, looks like we're gonna have to hold up in this room for a while.
Narrator: This drastic situation led to the drastic action of passing around weed, LSD and vodka, naturally everyone was pretty damn fucked,
even Boromir and Gimli who had gotten high on the fumes. Gimli was driving his wheelchair back and forth, with Frodo on his lap.
Frodo: Yey! Wahoo!
Narrator: Merry gives Frodo an odd look.
Frodo: What? Its fun you guys should try this!
Narrator: Legolas and Boromir were checking out a porn mag….
Legolas: Hey Aragorn, isn't that your mum?
Gandalf: Yeah probably, all the middle earth whores are in there, Aragorns mum, Rosie,……..Sam,
Sam: Hey!
Narrator: Aragorn is seriously getting pissed off right about now. Legolas turns the page…..
Legolas: Arragh shit Gandalf, so that's how you knew her.
Gandalf: (laughing) yeah, what edition is that?
Legolas: Ummm fifty-seven.
Gandalf: Yeah that's her alright.
Narrator: Aragorn charges at Gandalf
but accidentally smacks into the side of a well and knocks in a random skeleton, which falls down the well making a large amount of noise.
Aragorn: Good going Pippin! You retard!
Narrator: Everyone starts to blame Pippin, who had passed out on the other side of the room.
Narrator: Legolas throws the porn mag at Pippin.
Legolas: Yo Pippin……..you alive?.....Pippin?................Pippin?!
Narrator: Legolas stumbles across to Pippin and kicks him in the face.
Legolas: Hey guys, I think he died! Hey what's that?
Narrator: Legolas reaches down and picks up……………a leg
Legolas: Oh my god his leg fell off!
Narrator: Legolas starts waving it around in the air.
Legolas: Look Pippins leg! Arrgghh!!.....Wait a minute, that's not Pippins leg! Eeeew!!
Narrator: Legolas accidentally kicks Aragorn in the head with it when he throws it across the room.
Aragorn picks up the leg and shoves it down his trousers.
Gandalf: I saw that.
Aragorn: Saw what?
Gandalf: You just put that leg down your trousers.
Aragorn: What?
Gandalf: Aragorn I can see it poking out of your trousers.
Aragorn: Oh that leg! Oh that's just something……..I….fuck (trails off)
Gandalf: Aragorn when are you going to give up the whole severed body parts obsession?! It's just weird ok!
Aragorn: YOU KNOW I CAN'T HELP IT GANDALF!!
Gandalf: YOU ARE ILSILDURS HEIR! Not Ilsildur himself!
Aragorn: BUT DUDE! The same blood flows through my veins. THE SAME WEAKNESS!!!
Legolas: Er, just one thing guys, if that's not Pippins leg, whose is it?.......
Narrator: Everyone looks at Gimli….who was still rocking back and forward with Frodo on his lap. When he notices everyone is staring at him he stops suddenly and Frodo is thrown,
head first down the well, and would have fallen to his death if his head hadn't of got jammed in a hole….
Legolas: Yeah Gimli how did you say you lost your leg?
Gimli: In a terrible battle of orcs and goblins!
Gandalf: Oh give it up Gimli! It was cut off by your father in an unfortunate mining accident!
Legolas: That maybe the gayest thing I've ever heard…..
Frodo: (from inside the well) It's ok I'm alive!
Boromir: Hey shouldn't someone give Pippin mouth to mouth or something?
Sam: I'll do it!
Frodo: It's really very dark down here!
Boromir: Oh, its ok he just moved.
Legolas: Yo Pip, you cool?
Narrator: Sam runs over to Pippin and starts “resuscitating” him.
Pippin: Woha! Ok I'm alive, I'm alive, jeez, get off me!
Narrator: Sam puts his hand over Pippins mouth.
Sam: Shush!
Frodo: Guys I….I think I've broken my neck!
Legolas: Sam leave Pippin alone!
Narrator: Pippin struggles underneath Sam; Aragorn gets up and kicks Sam up the ass.
Aragorn: For fuck sake Sam knock it off you horny git!
Legolas: Yeah have a porn mag.
Narrator: Legolas throws the mag over, but it lands open in front of Aragorn who, seeing his mum and Gandalf getting it on, picks it up and throws it down the well smacking Frodo in the face.
Frodo: Arraggh!....
Aragorn: Gandalf you twisted fucker!
Gandalf: God get over it Aragorn!
Frodo: The….the corner of the magazine hit me in the eye and,….it….it's really very painful!
Sam: Oh yeah, Mr Frodo!
Narrator: Sam goes over to the well and gets his dick out
Sam: Quick Mr Frodo grab onto this!
Frodo: Thanks Sam!....
Narrator: Frodo reaches out and touches……something.
Frodo: Arrrgh! Gay!
Sam: It was guna happen sooner or later Mr Frodo!
Frodo: Sam! That's emotional blackmail! Just give me your hand!
Sam: Ha! Hahaha! Come on Mr Frodo just grab on!
Frodo: Damn it Sam!
Narrator: Gandalf pushes Sam over and pulls Frodo out with his staff. Suddenly, the room began to shake and thumping noises could be heard from all around.
Aragorn: Ok, you're all hearing that right?
Legolas: Yeah what the fuck is it?
Gandalf: Oh it's just those orcs.
Aragorn: What?!
Gandalf: Yeah you know, that huge army of orcs that live down here.
Narrator: Pippin starts to go mad.
Pippin: AArrgh! Orcs! Orcs! Aragh! They're here they're here!
Narrator: Aragorn throws Gimlis leg at Pippin and he falls unconscious again.
Merry: How the fuck are we going to get outta this one?
Narrator: Aragorn runs off.
Merry: Where the hell's he gone?
Narrator: Aragorn comes speeding around the corner in a cop car.
Legolas: Oh so that's why the cops are after you!
Aragorn: Um…..yeah, yeah that's why…
Gandalf: You mean we've been struggling all this way and you have a car?!
Aragorn: Yeah!
Gandalf: I think I'm about to have a heart attack.
Merry: We haven't got time for this everyone get in.
Narrator: Merry and Boromir carry a still unconscious Pippin into the back of the car, Gandalf pushes Frodo out of the way and gets in the front
Gimli, who refused to leave his wheelchair had to be tied to the back of the car, Legolas-being immediately attracted to the blue flashing light-climbs onto the roof. This left Frodo no alternative but to share the boot with Sam and his dildo.
Gandalf: Quick Aragorn, step on it!
The Journey continues........
Scene 21
Stumble!